Top 5 Craziest Tour Riders

​When Stephen Fry asked Bill Goldman what Robert Redford was really like, the answer was "what would you be like if you hadn’t heard the word “no” for 30 years?"*
 
Superstars are important. They do important things - like sing, and dance, and act, and (if you're a superstar DJ) pretend to push buttons on stage. They should have everything that they need, and desire, in order to accomplish such mean feats. And who are we, mere mortals, to deny them.
 
Here's a selection of crazy.

Steve Aoki

Steve Aoki is a super important, superstar DJ.
As you'd expect, his list is as extensive as it is specific - here's a snippet...

• 4 Hotel rooms within 2 miles of the venue. Don't have a close enough luxury hotel? Build one god damn it!
• $100 dinner (seems reasonable). Oh wait - organic based, serving local foods, grass fed meat, non-refined sugars, non-bleached flours
• 1 small bottle Listerine. Mr. Aoki does NOT pay for basic toiletries
• 2 bottles Cristal. Mr. Aoki does NOT pay for hip hop cliches
• 3 large black V-neck t-shirts (American Apparel or H&M is acceptable)
• 6 pairs men's underwear (briefs style). Presumably in case the organic based, local food is a bit iffy...
• Inflatable boat/dinghy
• 4 confetti blast machines
• Handheld CO2 air blower
• 2 medium sized cakes that read DIM MAK. Soft icing, soft cake, nothing dense or bundt
• 1 1/8 Oz. local weed

Marilyn Manson

What I expect to see on Marilyn Manson's tour rider:

• 7 pints fermented virgin's blood
• 3 shaved kittens wearing fedoras
• Scarface proportions of cocaine

 
What is actually on Marilyn Manson's tour rider:

• San Pellegrino sparkling water and bottled water
• Various soft drinks & beers
• 2 bottles fine red wine ($15 per bottle)
• Tea station for 8 people with 2% milk
• Selection of fine cheeses
• Jolly ranchers, various chocolates, haribo gold gummy bears
• A bald headed, toothless hooker

 
Well played Marilyn - brought it home at the end.

Van Halen

The infamous 53 page rider that started the madness

• 6 gallons chocolate milk
• A pleasant temperature, stated numerous times throughout. Mind you, those outfits were pretty skimpy...
• Tuning room to be no more than 5 degrees warmer or cooler than the stage (this actually makes sense)
• 3 fifths Jack Daniels Black Label bourbon, 2 fifths Stolichnaya vodka, 1 pint Southern Comfort, 2 bottles Blue Nun white wine (Blue Nun? Really???)
• 5 cases of beer before the show, 4 cases malt liquor. No beer to the crew before 6pm (I imagine there's a story behind this rule)
• Herring in sour cream
• An obscene amount of soft drinks
• 10 dozen doughnuts
• Salt & pepper, $100 fine if said condiments were missing
• 1 large tube KY jelly
• And of course, no brown M&Ms

 
The brown M&Ms clause was a clever strategy to ensure that promoters had read, and followed the whole contract. The show was huge & complex, so getting one thing wrong could ruin the show or put people's lives at risk. If brown M&Ms were ignored, then most likely more critical items had been too.

Madonna

You don't get to be the Queen of Pop by settling for 2nd best, or allowing crew members to look you in the eye.

Here's some of her Highness's craziest requests (allegedly...)

• A 200 person entourage including  30 bodyguards, an acupuncturist, a yoga instructor, an on-site dry cleaner and several personal chefs (I count around 40 people there. Who are the other 160? I smell "room meat", or people included in her entourage that would have been backstage anyway in order to boost numbers and enhance her Diva status)
• A vegan only menu
• 20 international phone lines in her dressing room
• All furniture to be draped in a specific fabric
• White lilies, white & pink roses with their stems cut to 6 inches
• New toilet seat in her dressing room
• All furniture removed from her hotel suite and replaced with her own items that she has shipped in

​Mariah Carey

Of course Mariah was going to headline the crazy riders list. Here's a selection of the crazy over the years.

• A Rolls Royce
• Pink carpet
• Pink podium
• Confetti shaped like butterflies
• Cristal champagne
• $200 cabernet sauvignon
• 80 security guards
• 2 dozen white roses
• Joe Malone vanilla aromatherapy candles
• Dressing room - three seat sofa with no busy patterns "black, dark grey, cream, dark pink are all fine", room to be kept at 75 degrees, lamp in the bathroom so that harsh lighting can be turned off, each room to be draped
• 20 white kittens
• 100 white doves

 
Good grief, people are just the worst sometimes...
 
Actually, fuck it, I want in on this action. So here's my list of demands for any public appearances:
 
1. Every item on the vegetarian menu to be flown in from Little Yang Sing in Manchester, UK
2. Puppies, lots of puppies, all the puppies!
3. 1 pair Converse trainers, 1 pair Dr Martens in dark purple, 3 pairs cashmere bed socks
4. Veggie haribo gummy bears, and no green ones. God help you if I find 1 green bear...
5. PS4 with GTA5, Bioshock Infinite & Wipeout
6. Let's talk entourage - masseuse, private chef, yoga instructor, local troubadour
7. Bottle of wine from every Waiheke vineyard
8. Clawfoot bathtub with a hamper from Lush
9. "Robin Williams clause" - 10 homeless people to be hired & trained as crew, and to be kept on for minimum 6 months after gig
10. Full disco room to be set up with light up dance floor, purple mirror ball, and a continuous, but light, sprinkling of elephant shaped confetti
 
 
*More Fool Me: A Memoir - Stephen Fry